Today marks the date: it’s one month until my birthday! Every year, it’s the same old story: I get excited, I think “this year I’m going to have the best birthday!”, and for some reason, things never work out.
Birthdays, according to movies and society, are supposed to be that time when everyone who loves you brings out the best in them, is there for you, wants you to enjoy and be happy. When I growing up, my mom would make sure that every single one of my birthdays was the best one. Now that I’m older, she left that task up to me… and I keep failing at it.
I try to examine and analyze the idea in my head to understand what keeps going wrong. The first thing that pops into my mind is remembering this exact same time last year, when walking to the restaurant that I was going to have dinner with my parents at, I said “I think I’m truly happy now”. But things were different: I had a stable job, a boyfriend, and many different groups of friends. I now have to be accepting of the fact that it has all changed; I recently came back from living abroad so the stable job is gone, the boyfriend has been replaced with disastrous dating app dates, and I am no longer surrounded by so many people.
So if the birthday is all about being surrounded by loved ones, and this stage of my life is not as full of love as I wish it was, how am I supposed to “feel special on my day”? Most people could argue that all of this thinking is nonsense, I shouldn’t worry because it’s just another day. And while I agree with that, I also see it as a sample of my life, as a showcase of what needs fixing.
Yes… I need to admit I’m a bit more alone than I wish I was. I do enjoy time with myself, I’m an independent person and have many dreams to chase; I do not want to surround myself with people just for the sake of it, or be desperate and accepting of anyone’s love. But I do wish I had enough friends to spend my birthday with.
Maybe I should just learn to accept what is going on at this time, hope things will be better next year, and move on. As much as the glass is half empty, it’s also half full: there are a few good friends that have stayed, my family is always here for me, I’m healthy and have many amazing things coming. I also believe it’s finally time to work on the most important relationship I have: the one with myself. We’ve been on and off for years, and it’s time to get back on track.
Focusing on the positives, and loving myself, will bring joy, and possibly, the right amount and quality of relationships to feel happy not only on my birthday, but every day. It’s just a matter of believing things will be okay… because they will be.