It only happens in passing moments
When there is a pause to life’s hectic pace
When my thoughts have slowed down,
And my attention is brought
To the environment around me,
And the people around me,
When I make the jolting and painful discovery
That I have always been, and will always be, worthless.
For I am not the student that stares from the yearbook pictures
With a beaming smile or an awkward tug at the mouth
While the titles say:
“Student Gets Accepted to Prestigious Camp for Academic Excellence!”
“Junior Creates A New PR For The School!”
I am not the student that people talk about with an exclamatory voice:
“Great Job! That’s just wonderful, honey!”
“This is stellar! It’ll look great on your college applications!”
I am not accustomed to seeing my parents’ smiles on their faces
Or hearing them brag loudly about how gifted their child is
What I am used to, are
Long nights of panic, when my stomach is tied up in knots
I’m used to seeing my name at the bottom of the list
“S. Chambers-The least amount of points”
I am well acquainted with,
“How’d you do sweetheart?”
“U-um, not as well as I wanted it to be”
With an awkward smile
I have become accustomed to being in my head
With the voice of the girl, who sounds oddly like me, loudly banging in my ears
“Do you really think you’re all that?”
“You don’t deserve anything good!”
And with a softer tone, she whispers.
“So why do you even try?”
“You know you’re useless!”
And I respond, my own voice sounding grotesque, but also melodic,
“Because it is who I am.”
Because after the heavy pants of anxiety
And the tears that prickle my eyes
I know that I am worthless
But I am me and there is no reason
That I shouldn’t be proud of that
